Third-Party Family Building and Donor Conceived Individuals

How We Came to Be a Family / Who am I?

All families are built on love, trust, openness and connection regardless of genetic link. Parents of donor conceived children may want to talk openly with children about their origins and genetic health history, but don’t know what to say or when to best share this information. The lack of true donor anonymity in the modern age through direct to consumer DNA testing, social media searching, and facial recognition technology, may increase the complexity of these conversations with your child.

Feelings around sharing this information evolve as you move from donor selection and IVF through pregnancy, and moreso when your child is here and has become an essential part of your life. Single mothers and same-sex parents report more confidence around disclosure, however heterosexual couples may find this meaningful interaction to be anxiety provoking. It is not just a one time conversation, but a lifetime of being open, curious and connected with your child.

Through current research, we know that many parents have a strong desire for their child to have positive feelings around their origins, and to know their genetic and medical history. We know that children often become interested in knowing about the donor and connecting with their genetic siblings. Donor sibling registries have made extended kinship family relationships possible from an early age. We also know that children who learn the nature of their conception early on, and who have integrated the story of how their family came to be into their identity at a young age, have a stronger sense of self and feel more positive about family relationships.

It is helpful for parents to think about donor conception from the child’s perspective. Imagine being a donor conceived person, and what that may mean at various life stages. The child’s experiences, thoughts and feelings, and ultimately the meaning of how they came to be a person in this world will differ from their parents. It will change as they grow and mature and understand more about donor conception over time as a child or adolescent, and later as an adult and a parent themselves.

Third-party family building is a lifelong, multi-generational process with many links. There are complex identity, emotional and relational pieces that continually evolve for each person involved: the donor conceived person, their parents, their future children; genetic siblings linked to the same donor, their parents, their future children; the donor, the donor’s extended family, and the donor’s current or future children.

Get Support. Family building encompasses specialized training in reproductive mental health, and knowledge of reproductive medicine, genetic counseling, bioethics and reproductive law. I work with individuals and couples who are building their family through third-party reproduction, and with donor-conceived young adults.

Link to related article: The Challenges of Donor Anonymity

Resources

Donor Conceived Community
https://donorconceivedcommunity.org/

Donor Conception Network
www.dcnetwork.org

Donor Sibling Registry
www.donorsiblingregistry.com

US Donor Conceived Council
https://www.usdcc.org/

Books for Parents:

  • Modern Families: Parents and Children in New Family Forms, Susan Golombok

  • Finding Our Families, Wendy Kramer and Naomi Cahn

  • Random Families: Genetic Strangers, Sperm Donor Siblings and the Creation of New Kin, Rosanna Hertz and Margaret Nelson

  • Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Questions & Building Strong Families, Diane Ehrensaft

  • Mixed Blessings: Building a Family With and Without Donor Help, Olivia Montuschi

  • Telling and Talking Booklets from Donor Conception Network

Books for Young Children:

  • Happy Together, Julie Marie (egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, same sex parenting, single mother by choice, and GC surrogacy versions)

  • You Were Made for Me, Sheri Sturniolo (embryo donation)

  • The Very Kind Koala: A Surrogacy Story for Children, Kimberly Kluger-Bell

  • I've Got Dibs: A Donor Sibling Story, Amy Dorfman

  • The Family Book, Todd Parr

  • Families Can, Dan Saks

  • Love Makes a Family, Sophie Beer

    Resources for Donor-Conceived Individuals: