Many single people have a desire to become a parent. They may have always wanted to be a mother or may realize this desire later in life and find themselves without a partner. This experience can be seen as a type of social infertility: infertility related to not having a relationship with a partner with whom they can conceive and/or carry a child. There is often a reliquishment or grieving of the idealized path to parenthood they imagined for themselves.

Single women actively seek to become parents through third-party family building. For women, becoming a choice parent typically involves sperm donation. For single women in their late 30s/40s, medical infertility may also be a factor and they will need to consider egg donation or embryo donation, or gestational surrogacy.

Things to consider in your decision-making:

Economic resources for fertility treatment to become pregnant, as well as financial resources for raising a child
Emotional support systems - closeness with family and friends: who is available to support you during pregnancy, postpartum and raising a child?
Physical help with caregiving - can be friends and family who have directly chosen to participate in your caregiving needs, or through professional childcare help
Donor selection considerations - what’s important to you in a biological contributor (donor) and how do you imagine it will be one day sharing your decision with your child on why you chose a particular donor?
Work/life balance - how to find time for yourself amid work / parenting responsibilities
Cultural and societal influences on being a ‘family’ - may impact acceptance and support for choice families

Relational / developmental considerations for raising children of solo parents:

Choice parents generally experience the same highs and lows as other parents. It is helpful for parents to understand that starting at a young age, children of solo parents will ask you questions about their family structure. Research studies have shown that young children notice the absence of not having another parent raising them. Societal beliefs/norms, books and media, and seeing other children’s two-parent families at school or while out in the community continually highlight this difference to kids. Parents who anticipate having these conversations with their children feel more open with their kids and more confident in discussing their choices about their family. Please note: The conversations are dynamic and will continue throughout the arc of parenting. They also get more complex. Adolescent children of solo parents are often interested in learning about and ideally connecting with their donor biological parent and other bio siblings who share the same donor. Having a parent prioritize their child’s experience, and who will collaborate with them to navigate how to connect with siblings or donors can be grounding for child / teen identity development and enhance parent-child relationships.

Helpful resources:

Books:

Modern Families, Susan Golombok

Going Solo, Genevieve Roberts

Single Mothers by Choice Guidebook, Jane Mattes

Podcast:

The Single Greatest Choice with Kate Bryan

Reddit:

r/SingleMothersbyChoice

Web: